When a negative life event or experience occurs, many people begin to experience emotions like sadness, hopelessness and/or depression. The goal is to resist the urge to avoid in response to those feelings, and instead, move towards active coping.
Avoidance can feel incredibly safe and comforting. So, it’s difficult to see the real impact is has on us and those close to us.
When we engage in avoidance behaviors, it often leads to further feelings of depression and dissatisfaction. This occurs because avoidance takes away the opportunity for positive experiences, and truly, any experience at all. Soon, it can feel dangerous and unpredictable to do things that we used to enjoy and that fit with what we value. So a vicious cycle begins. Suddenly, it feels best to retreat and stay isolated, but at the same time, negative emotions and loneliness flourish in this new “safe” place.
Some examples of avoidance behaviors are more noticeable than others. These include:
- Canceling plans
- Staying away from previously enjoyable activities
- Increased rigidity
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Decreased social contact
- Retreating toward an isolating environment
- Increased fatigue and sleep
- Missed deadlines with work or school related tasks
It’s also possible to avoid difficult emotions without realizing we are doing it. One example is when a friend or family member asks how we are doing. Responding with “I’m fine” is also a form of avoidance. Resisting talking through painful emotions with loved ones may feel like a way of “letting go” or “not focusing on negative thoughts,” but it takes away an opportunity for connection and sitting with emotions that are very natural.
The second example is exercise. Exercise, in and of itself, is not a bad thing. However, in this context, exercise can be used as a tool to avoid sitting with difficult and painful emotions. Eventually, it is impossible to get enough intense exercise to push away everything making us uncomfortable. It can feel like a healthy and productive coping skill, but pounding the pavement each time something uncomfortable comes up isn’t a realistic or sustainable solution.
So, we are left with active coping.
Active coping doesn’t always feel great at first. It usually takes time to habituate to sitting with our emotions, especially the really uncomfortable ones. Just know, safety can be found even when we feel totally uncomfortable. In fact it can be an extremely liberating experience. Ultimately, active coping is all about approaching life in a way that fits with our values. This gives us further opportunity to have positive experiences and break the cycle of depression. The more activities we engage in that relate to our value system, the less likely we are to ruminate and stay stuck in what feels unmanageable and uncomfortable. The chart below illustrates this concept further.
Shifting emotions, even slightly, can have a huge impact.
The smallest change can create a greater sense of purpose and meaning. This is the key to achieving improved mood and working through the stressors that naturally occur in our professional and personal lives. So, how do we do this? Active coping looks different for everyone, but this list provides a few options to get started.
- Calling someone in your support system
- Mindfulness
- Yoga
- Intentional exercise
- Journaling (follow the link to find out helpful journaling tips)
- Working through a thought record/ thought shifting exercise (recommended to work with a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist on this)
- Opposite action (i.e. when you want to cancel plans in response to feeling anxious or sad, resist the urge to do so)
- Create a list of enjoyable activities, or things you want to try
- Make plans, alone and with others, to do those activities
Again, all lists look different for each of us but this will hopefully get you started. Please contact us and Limitless Counseling Center if you have any questions about this or want to learn more!